“Every loss is temporary. Every victory is eternal.”
The first time I heard Bill Johnson say this, it melted into my heart like a wave coming up on dry shore. I knew it held a lot of weight in my life but it wasn’t until giving birth to my children that I felt the full force of it. This is my testimony.
My Temporary Loss
I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Kai. In those first few weeks of pregnancy I tried to decide on a doctor and a hospital, but I just couldn’t do it. Something in me screamed that I didn’t need a doctor. I wasn’t sick. I was pregnant. The previous year I had met 4 women who had used midwives and birthed their babies at home. Everything about that suddenly felt right to me. So we met with a midwife and started our amazing journey through pregnancy and towards birth. I knew God designed my body perfectly to carry and deliver a child. I rested in that. And then my third trimester came. Baby girl was breech (Her head was up and it is ideal for baby to be head down). And she stayed breech despite all my prayers, despite all my crazy efforts (seriously, I spent those last weeks constantly doing versions, upside down, trying to convince her to turn). After talking with our midwife, it was decided that if she stayed breech, I would need to deliver in a hospital. Unfortunately, no hospital near us would allow me to deliver naturally. I would have to have a cesarean. This news broke me, I cried and pleaded with God to turn my baby. I knew surgery carried risks and delivering naturally was best for me and baby and I desperately wanted to experience God’s design of birth.
I waited patiently to go into labor on my own, giving every last second possible for a miracle. 11 days after my due date, labor began, and baby was still breech. During the car ride to the hospital all I could think was that God loved me less. (not true, but a horrible lie from the pit of hell) My precious daughter was born via surgery at 1pm. Stunning, beautiful, healthy, vibrant and 10 pounds of wonderful. I lost the experience of the birth God wanted me to have. I lost a right of passage into motherhood. I lost a dream I had held close. Yet my Kai was my victory and she would always be. Yet God still loved me, and no less because of it.
My Eternal Victory
Right away, I began to think of my next birth, my next baby. My daughter gave me hope. Hope that my loss was temporary, that I would see victory in my next birth. So I started fighting. I changed my diet, got back in shape, and educated myself on vbacs and breech presentations. 14 months later, we were pregnant with our second daughter. We had moved across the country, meaning I would need to find a new midwife and one willing to attend a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). God’s grace and our relationship with our previous midwife led us to Amber. Right away I felt complete peace and knew Holy Spirit has placed a warrior of a woman in front of me to help with this victory. I think some battles are won in resting and some are won in fighting. This is one reason it’s so important to have a relationship with not only God and Jesus, but Holy Spirit as well. I knew this battle would be won with a fight. The next months, I had daily exercises, focused on better eating, prayed, and watched and read hundreds of victorious birth stories. I kept every doubtful and negative voice far away from me and baby. Every appointment we went to, our baby was head down and we were both healthy. So we would go out as a family and celebrate and thank God.
December 22nd, 11pm, labor started. I felt strong, I felt confident, I even thought I would go sleep (however, labor moved to quickly for that!). So around 1am, my husband called our midwife and she came over. I felt like I was rocking it, totally unaware of time, other people, other things. Then this switch went off in my brain. I realized that this moment was as far as I got with my first birth. It was the moment everyone said I couldn’t go any further. And I lost it. I was terrified it wasn’t going to work this time. I was terrified my midwife would tell me we needed to head for the hospital, that I would have another surgery. My mind knew my body wasn’t broken, but my heart overwhelmingly said it was. My fight came to its strongest peak and I was exhausted. I remember sitting on the toilet crying into my husbands arms as he encouraged me. I remember saying “I can’t do it” laying my head on the edge of the birthing tub and my midwife telling me I was doing it. I remember her whispers to God to give me strength and bring this baby. Around 5am, belly deep in water, arms wrapped around my husband for dear life, our sweet Sage left my body and came earthside in the most intimate moment of my life thus far. Do you remember the story of Jesus calming the storm while on the boat with his disciples? That’s how immediate the shift was. Sun up, waves calm, perfect baby in my arms. I birthed my baby out of my body in my own bedroom. I felt like a lioness, a goddess, a warrior, all wrapped in one. Sage was my victory. This birth was my victory. And absolutely nothing in the world can take that away from me.
My testimony is a temporary loss, failure, defeat, that God turned into an eternal victory. Where Satan whispers a “no”, God yells a “YES”. Be encouraged! Everything that’s been taken from you, everything that’s been destroyed, every hurt to your heart is only temporary. Because those things are not of God, they are not of the Kingdom of Heaven. Heaven is eternal, everlasting and that is where every victory, every good thing, every healing and every joy come from and live in. God can never be overcome!
Oh, and if anyone or anything tries to tell me I can’t do something ever again, I plan on pointing to these 2 cuties and letting them know, yes, I absolutely can and I will.